Thoughts Of A Woman

Again, I can't believe it is already 2011! When I was graduating in 2002 from high school, I never would have believed that I would be married and have children. I was very adamant about never getting married and having children. That just shows you that you never know what you want until life hands you something different. I look at everything around me and think, "Wow! I am so glad this is how my life turned out."

It's snowing here in Texas. Imagine that. Snow. In Texas. Of course we had a lot of snow last year but still snow in Texas. Such weirdness.

Not much has been going on here. Started a new picture blog. That is lots of fun for me. I just hope that I will be able to get a picture up everyday. It is harder than what I thought it was going to be. K has her first competition coming up at the end of January. That should be fun! I always love seeing her happy and cheer is what makes her happy. Cleaned my blinds today. Whew! Never want to do that again! It is really cold outside. If I weren't lazy and cold, I would take my kids outside. B is getting big. I can't believe he is 11. Man! I'm getting old.

I have waited my two cycles and we should be trying again in the next few months. I'm nervous, sad, excited, and anxious to get this started. Of course, not a day goes by where I don't think about my first pregnancy. I hope the second time around ends with a better result. Sometimes when I think about it, it hits me like a knife in my heart. I feel as if I say that all the time. I feel like a failure but then I have to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong. Something had to be wrong from the beginning but it doesn't make it feel any better. I just wish that I never had to go through it. But then again, I think it has made me have a new outlook in life.

Always tell your family and those that you love that you love them everyday! Sometimes you want to tell somebody something but they are not there anymore. Take care of yourself! Love like crazy!!!

I will...

Wow! I can't believe it is already 2011. 2010 was such a trying year. Lots of good. Lots of bad. It is one year I won't ever forget.

I am not one for making resolutions because I end up breaking them as soon as I make them. So, I am going to tell myself each day to do and be better than the day before.

I am going to be a better mother, teacher, friend, and wife. I will remember that each day is new and not to look back on the negatives in life and just move forward. I will forgive those that have hurt me and remember that we are all human. I will love my husband and children more than ever and remember each day is a blessing. I will remember that my job is special. I am the guidance to those children and how I act/teach is a model for those children. I will be grateful for those that helped me and will continue to help me. I will support those that need it and those that don't realize they need it. I will be thankful everyday for the chance to live my life with freedom. I will remember that things happen for reasons and to not dwell on them. I will remember the moments that took my breath away and broke my heart but at the same time heal from the pain. I will remember with happiness those that are no longer with me, even if they have been gone for awhile. I will take time from my busy life to spend it with my children playing games and talking. I will take time and really talk with my husband.

I might not make resolutions but I do have things I want to do.

I hope that you all have a happy and joyous new year!!!!!

Almost Over

This year has been one of the hardest, trying, and most joyful times of my life. As I sit here in my room, listening to the movie playing in the living room, I am thinking of all that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for two wonderful children. They may not be my blood but they are my life. They are why I get up in the morning and why I work so hard. They are why I am trying to be a better person and mom. They are why I am so glad that I can call myself a mom. My life was empty without them. I know they are kids and I need to be patient more but I wouldn't change a thing about them. Yes, I would love for them to listen and not fight but what child doesn't do that with their sibling? I know that I did. My children are my world. One day, I hope that a brother or sister might join them. But for now, I am thankful that I have these two wonderful, often trying, children.

I am thankful for the miscarriage that I had. I have come to the realization that life hands you certain things in order to test you. This was one of the biggest tests I have had to go through. I might not have realized I was being tested but I was. I needed to see how strong of a person I really was. I needed to see this and understand the motions of it. I have realized that I had to learn failure before I saw results. I saw that with jobs I applied for and then I saw it with wanting a baby. When I think hard about it, I often cry. I won't forget this pregnancy or how I got through the loss of it. I am not all the way healed and I doubt that I ever will be. I don't want to focus my whole being on this but it is so far sketched into my heart, soul, and mind that I can't forget. My anger towards everything was understandable and I hope those around me that noticed it forgive me. I don't want those that are experiencing the joys of their pregnancy to be afraid to talk to me about their journey. I want to know all about it. I don't want to take others happiness away. I can't help but think, right now, I might know what I'm having. I might feel the baby kick. I would start picking things out and getting ready. I am not doing that. It hits me at certain times but I close my eyes, think about it and open my eyes and move on. My time will come. My time will come. My time will come.

I am thankful for my friends. They make me laugh, think, and sometimes cry. All though the crying isn't on purpose. Mainly it is the talking about serious matters that does it. I have such strong friends that have gone through some serious stuff and they have helped me in my time of need. I am thankful that they have accepted me the way that I am and they see me for who I am. I am not fake. I am not expecting something from them. I am the most giving person that I know. My friends are a lot like me. I love them all and I am so thankful that my journey in life has brought me to them. I hope that they know how special they are to me.

I am thankful for my family. My mom because she taught me all that I know today. She is one of the strongest people I know. She is tough in the face of adversity. She taught me right from wrong. She has lead me through life and stood by me no matter what. I don't know what my life would have been like without her guidance and strong hand. :) My brother. Oh my brother. What I would do without your humor? I don't know how I would have made it through my life without you. I don't tell you this often but I am so proud of you and how hard you work. You are such a private person and I hope that one day you will find that special woman that truly understands and loves you. Don't take that the wrong way, no woman will ever be perfect enough for my brother but I love him and I want what is best for him. Remember Bubba, I will love you no matter what. My dad. Hmmm...my dad. :) I love him. Although I might not like the choices he made in life, no matter what he is my dad. Deep down I believe I'm a daddy's girl. I might not have liked him but I sure do love him.

Lastly, my husband. I am so thankful for the life that we share. I am thankful that you helped me finish school and accomplish my goal of teaching. I am also thankful that I am a mom to our children. I am thankful that you love me and cherish me. My life was empty and full of self-loathing and you helped clear it up. I love you more each day and I don't know what I would do without you. I love you with my whole heart, body, and soul. Going on 7 years of marriage and it feels only like yesterday that we met.

So as the year draws to a close, I see the journey my life has taken and I am not at all sad about the choices I have made. 2011 will be a great year because I am a very thankful woman. I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and an even more wonderful New Year.

Secret Santa

This was the first year that I have really had the money to do Secret Santa. All the other times I have done it, I was pushing it. :) I hope that my Secret Santa person enjoyed all the goodies I got for her.

Now my Secret Santa really knew me. She was AMAZING! I loved everything she got for me. Her husband writes amazing poems and they were clues about what I was getting that day. So I thought I would share the poems because they are too good to be true! :) Thank you Kelly (my Secret Santa)!!!

MONDAY

On Monday we start this game of Holiday Cheer,
Giving secret Santa gifts to friends we hold deer,
Your marbles I heard you lost,
The search was on, no matter the cost.
Over her and over there,
Your marbles I could not find anywhere.
New marbles were my new goal,
For without them, you make as much sense as a troll.
A new jar of marbles will make you wiser,
for without your marbles, you just are not the same Amanda Snider.

TUESDAY

The Monday blues are gone and Tuesday is smelling sweet,
Let's start this day with something good to eat.
Edward is your man, you say he is a real sweet heart,
The candy may be eaten, but the box you will not part.
If this Cullen man should appear,
As he holds your hand we hear you say "Oh Dear"
Some lotion is needed to make sure your hands are nice and soft,
As your head is spinning, as you slowly float to his loft.
Two days down, three to go,
All this secret Santa has to say is HO, HO, HO!

WEDNESDAY

Wednesday is the middle of the week,
Several times from your room we have heard you shriek.
The hump is here and you don't seem to care,
You should always be careful, cause your secret Santa could be anywhere.
A lump of coal is what you've got,
To earn more gifts, you will be put on the spot.
Your smile is dragging and your spirits need lifted
To the office you must go...if you want to be gifted.

(So I went to the office and I got this poem)

To the office you came with such a rush,
The gifts you must want, you will do what you must.
With students and your duty you hope your not long,
But to receive your gifts you must sing a song.
To the PA you go with such glee and fright,
You will light up the school just like Rudolph's nose at night.
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" you must sing,
You are wondering who would do such a thing.
Pens and stickers and even a little picture frame,
You may guess and guess but you will never know your secret Santa's name.

THURSDAY

To Thursday we go,
Who your secret Santa is..you just want to know
The week is half over and this gift giving does not need to slack
We must build your strength with a nice little snack.
Oh my! You must say, as you wonder what the bag has inside,
You are guessing who I might be..but my identity I must hide.
Some drinks and candy and even some corn that pops,
When the week is over the fun will stop.
The week has been lots of fun,
I will be sad when the secret Santa is done.
I have watched you open your gifts from afar
Who knew so much fun could start with marbles in a jar.
Mrs. Snider, second grade you teach,
I need to get to know you, cause you seem like such a peach.

FRIDAY

Ahhhh...its Friday, the best day of the week.
I bet you the final secret Santa gift is what you seek.
You have gotten marbles in a jar, some lotion and even some candy,
All of these gifts you have thought are dandy.
At the end of this time as your secret Santa, you really need something superb
The gift you are getting is something special...Man right now I need some AWESOME verb.
You need something that will really test your wit,
Part of your gift is something neat. I just hope you haven't already scene-it.
I know that any candy would be just fine,
But you deserve what you want...so it had to be RED VINES.
Games are given at Christmas...Monopoly, dominoes, and Farkle
But I knew when I saw it...you must have an Edward that sparkles.
I know that you like to laugh and talk to my belly,
Your secret Santa is none other than Kelly.

(I loved all my gifts but my favorite part was reading the poems. They were the best! Of course, my Edward doll that sparkles is pretty AMAZING too!!!)

Freedom

I'm not talking about the freedom that we celebrate in July but the one where you are able to send your kids to another home for a little bit. My Thanksgiving break began on Friday when we drove out to Denton to drop the kids off. I had been looking forward to that day for a long time. It has been since July since we haven't had both kids gone. Usually only Brendan would go every other weekend but this Friday we sent both. I felt very guilty that I was so happy to send them to their mom's but I realized that with everything that has happened, I needed some alone time with Scott. We haven't talked much lately or even sat together and watched TV. It was always revolving around the kids. I know that is what my life is: my kids. But I want to feel that safeness and love that I get when I just sit with Scott. I needed it! I craved it! So as we left I blew kisses and said good-bye. As I sit in the silence of my house, I miss them but I hope they are having fun. They deserve it. We deserve it.

I am looking forward to the week off from school. Yes, I will miss my students and children but I have the ability to only care about myself and Scott right now. I wish that the kids were with us every holiday but that isn't how it goes when the parents are divorced. Unless you were me growing up. :) My childhood was nice. I had everything my mom could possibly get for me and my brother. I am not complaining at all about the way I grew up. It was a great childhood. I realized that when I became an instant mom at the age of 19. Everything is about my children. Everything. I live, breathe, work and would even die for them. Even if they didn't come from me, I would do anything in my power to protect them.

Lately, I have been thinking about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. Would I be showing? How soon would I start counting down to finding out what we were going to have? How soon could I start planning a room, a name, anything? But I lay at night and put my hands on the emptiness of my stomach and just think about all the plans that didn't form. I know that I will be able to make them again one day but losing this baby was probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It rips through your soul and kills you a little inside. As my body is returning to normal it is a bittersweet feeling, one that I wish I didn't have to go through.

As you celebrate (or not) this upcoming holiday, remember to tell those that you love and those that are around you how much they mean to you. Things can happen in a second and you might never be able to tell them again. Live your life but love those around you! Happy Thanksgiving!

Checking In

Hello all that read this blog. :)

Just a friendly hello. I am doing okay. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for my check up. Let's hope that everything is okay. Other than all that news...

I have spent the day at a football game watching my cheerleader, fishing/boating, doing laundry, and cleaning out a closet. I am so tired. But now, I have to begin balancing my checkbook because lo and behold, there are bills that need to be paid. :) Tomorrow, we have brunch and then another football game. After that, it is off to Denton to pick up the boy.

Thanksgiving is not coming quick enough...

Was here...Now gone

On September 26th, I took a home pregnancy test. To my amazement, it came back positive. I was floored. I couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant so fast! Of course, I couldn't hold on to that secret for very long. So I called and talked to family and friends. Looking back, I probably should have not said anything. That way I can keep my grief and heartache to myself.

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for October 20th (exactly 8 weeks or so the doctor told me). I was so excited. I was having morning sickness and I was so tired. I thought for sure this was going to be a great pregnancy.

On October 20th, we went into the sonogram room. The lady was talking and very chipper. "Is this your first pregnancy?" "Yes. I think I am going to cry." Ha! So we talked for a few minutes and she got really quiet. I knew something was wrong the moment she said, "I'm going to take a few more pictures." She was very quiet throughout the whole thing. I thought, "Oh well I guess they will tell us something soon." Never thinking at all about what the doctor was going to tell me. I was a little mad because I didn't get a picture but then when we saw the doctor I understood.

The ultrasound showed a sac but nothing else. No heartbeat. Nothing. So the doctor told us to come back in a week to see if there was any change but basically he told us that the baby had stopped growing. I was calculating 8 weeks but the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. I thought, "Hmmm...my dates could be wrong." So I tried to stay positive.

On October 27th, we went in again. I had a full week to come to terms with losing the baby. Not that I didn't want to lose it but I just figured it would be easier for me to expect the worst. We went in to the room again to take a look. The ultrasound showed nothing. I knew then that it wasn't going to happen. I waited until we were in the doctor's office before breaking down. I thought I did okay with handling the walk from the ultrasound room to the office. I thought I did okay not breaking down until I looked at my husband and said, "You know they are going to want to do a D&C." At that moment, I knew I had failed. I wasn't going to handle this. I knew I was going to break down. The doctor told us that this happens more than we know. Well, I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy. I mean, the hubby had two healthy children with the ex and I can't even have one. I thought I was the worst person in the world. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Even now, I don't know how I could have changed it.

We scheduled the D&C on October 28th. I couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. We went into the surgery center at 7:00 am. They prepped me and got me ready. I was really glad I shaved my legs. Such a random thought, but I couldn't really have all those people looking at my hairy legs. In the midst of all of this horrible, I laughed about my legs. The surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am. They came in and asked me questions. I hated answering them but they were all so nice and easy to talk to. We watched Saved By the Bell. The one where the group gets fake IDS and gets into a club. Funny how I would remember that. They came in and hooked me up to the anesthesia and off I was. While the hubby was in the waiting room, I was being taken care of. I don't know if I was in denial that day but I handled everything that day with a smile on my face and not breaking down into tears. I am pretty sure they thought I was a little crazy. So by 10:00 am October 28th, I was no longer going to be a mommy.

I am a mom to my kids. I know that. I love them and wouldn't trade them for the world, but they aren't mine. I didn't birth them. I didn't hold them or see them when they were born. I wasn't able to even do that with the one that I was pregnant with. So much anger and confusion is going on inside my head. I want to cry all the time. I feel as if I failed at something that should have been easy and fun. Never in my mind did I think I was going to say, I had a miscarriage. Never. I want to curl into a ball and cry forever. I know that the pain will eventually ease but I won't ever forget the moment that I took that test on September 26th and it was positive or the moment when the doctor said, "I'm sorry."