Freedom

I'm not talking about the freedom that we celebrate in July but the one where you are able to send your kids to another home for a little bit. My Thanksgiving break began on Friday when we drove out to Denton to drop the kids off. I had been looking forward to that day for a long time. It has been since July since we haven't had both kids gone. Usually only Brendan would go every other weekend but this Friday we sent both. I felt very guilty that I was so happy to send them to their mom's but I realized that with everything that has happened, I needed some alone time with Scott. We haven't talked much lately or even sat together and watched TV. It was always revolving around the kids. I know that is what my life is: my kids. But I want to feel that safeness and love that I get when I just sit with Scott. I needed it! I craved it! So as we left I blew kisses and said good-bye. As I sit in the silence of my house, I miss them but I hope they are having fun. They deserve it. We deserve it.

I am looking forward to the week off from school. Yes, I will miss my students and children but I have the ability to only care about myself and Scott right now. I wish that the kids were with us every holiday but that isn't how it goes when the parents are divorced. Unless you were me growing up. :) My childhood was nice. I had everything my mom could possibly get for me and my brother. I am not complaining at all about the way I grew up. It was a great childhood. I realized that when I became an instant mom at the age of 19. Everything is about my children. Everything. I live, breathe, work and would even die for them. Even if they didn't come from me, I would do anything in my power to protect them.

Lately, I have been thinking about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. Would I be showing? How soon would I start counting down to finding out what we were going to have? How soon could I start planning a room, a name, anything? But I lay at night and put my hands on the emptiness of my stomach and just think about all the plans that didn't form. I know that I will be able to make them again one day but losing this baby was probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It rips through your soul and kills you a little inside. As my body is returning to normal it is a bittersweet feeling, one that I wish I didn't have to go through.

As you celebrate (or not) this upcoming holiday, remember to tell those that you love and those that are around you how much they mean to you. Things can happen in a second and you might never be able to tell them again. Live your life but love those around you! Happy Thanksgiving!