When I look back at my life and the choices I made, I wouldn't change them at all. Some choices hurt, some were happy ones, some showed me the truth and some were lies. I didn't realize it then but those choices made me who I am today.
You would think me being twenty-six would allow my choices to be easier to make. Well, that is not the case.
When I started college, I knew all I ever wanted to do was work with children in education. I was full of hopes and dreams that were soon and inevitably crushed. I am usually not a strong person but I was very strong the day in which I was told, "No, sorry." That is, I was strong until I left that office. When I got up and walked out, I looked around. Everything was fake. What I had been working on so long looked like a vicious lie.
I wasn't good enough. Not enough experience. Unbelievable beat downs from myself. Questions started forming. What could have been different? What did I say or do wrong? Was I too open, too emotional? Then the biggest and toughest questions: Am I made for this? Am I really supposed to be a teacher?
My heart couldn't take anymore questions, sympathy, anger, disappointment, and hurt. I set out to accomplish something and failed, miserably. I have not thought about that day recently. I'm writing this in my frustration with life. I appreciated all the advice and sympathy, even though I probably didn't show it. I hated the fact that I was so open and honest with it all. I gave my entire being to this.
I wanted to shrink back into myself and suffer alone.
Now, other opportunities await and ready to be found. My search has not been all that productive. Am I to stick with education or move on? Will I be happy not in education? What will I do if I get another job and a teaching position is offered to me?
The way I'm feeling and have felt is...I'm done.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
4th of July Weekend
July 3, 2010
For the first time in many years, Scott and I decided to go to my dad's for the holiday. We went on the 3rd because we had plans for the 4th. We stopped to get fireworks before getting to my dad's house. Whew! The anticipation! So we drive the road to my dad's and pull up to see my dad cleaning his pool. My uncle was there too. We waited around for my step-mom, sister, and aunt to show up. It took them 3 hours to go to the store and back. The woman can shop! We were supposed to wait until dark to do the fireworks but I couldn't wait! I also wanted to get back home in time to see the fireworks from the high school. So after it rained (yes, rain) and after we ate, we lit the fireworks. The kids swam a little and watched. It wasn't dark enough but it was fun. It was nice joining my side for the holiday. We don't do it as much as we should. Oh well! By the way, we missed out on the fireworks from the high school but we found a dog for my mom-in-law. So overall, that day was great.
Uncle Glen and my kiddos
Rain Clouds that appeared out of nowhere!
Dad cleaning the pool
July 4, 2010
I didn't get any pictures on this day. I think we were all over the place and not really in a picture mode. We went to Scott's parents' house for the 4th. We had a cookout and I tried to swim. The kids had no problem getting in. On the other hand, even with liquid encouragement, I wouldn't get more than my legs in the pool. It was way too cold. We ate hamburgers and ribs and potatoes. Also, squash casserole and salad and all that other stuff. It was a nice and relaxing day. We enjoyed the moments with our family.
For the first time in many years, Scott and I decided to go to my dad's for the holiday. We went on the 3rd because we had plans for the 4th. We stopped to get fireworks before getting to my dad's house. Whew! The anticipation! So we drive the road to my dad's and pull up to see my dad cleaning his pool. My uncle was there too. We waited around for my step-mom, sister, and aunt to show up. It took them 3 hours to go to the store and back. The woman can shop! We were supposed to wait until dark to do the fireworks but I couldn't wait! I also wanted to get back home in time to see the fireworks from the high school. So after it rained (yes, rain) and after we ate, we lit the fireworks. The kids swam a little and watched. It wasn't dark enough but it was fun. It was nice joining my side for the holiday. We don't do it as much as we should. Oh well! By the way, we missed out on the fireworks from the high school but we found a dog for my mom-in-law. So overall, that day was great.
Uncle Glen and my kiddos
Rain Clouds that appeared out of nowhere!
Dad cleaning the pool
July 4, 2010
I didn't get any pictures on this day. I think we were all over the place and not really in a picture mode. We went to Scott's parents' house for the 4th. We had a cookout and I tried to swim. The kids had no problem getting in. On the other hand, even with liquid encouragement, I wouldn't get more than my legs in the pool. It was way too cold. We ate hamburgers and ribs and potatoes. Also, squash casserole and salad and all that other stuff. It was a nice and relaxing day. We enjoyed the moments with our family.
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