Rambling

When I look back at my life and the choices I made, I wouldn't change them at all. Some choices hurt, some were happy ones, some showed me the truth and some were lies. I didn't realize it then but those choices made me who I am today.

You would think me being twenty-six would allow my choices to be easier to make. Well, that is not the case.

When I started college, I knew all I ever wanted to do was work with children in education. I was full of hopes and dreams that were soon and inevitably crushed. I am usually not a strong person but I was very strong the day in which I was told, "No, sorry." That is, I was strong until I left that office. When I got up and walked out, I looked around. Everything was fake. What I had been working on so long looked like a vicious lie.

I wasn't good enough. Not enough experience. Unbelievable beat downs from myself. Questions started forming. What could have been different? What did I say or do wrong? Was I too open, too emotional? Then the biggest and toughest questions: Am I made for this? Am I really supposed to be a teacher?

My heart couldn't take anymore questions, sympathy, anger, disappointment, and hurt. I set out to accomplish something and failed, miserably. I have not thought about that day recently. I'm writing this in my frustration with life. I appreciated all the advice and sympathy, even though I probably didn't show it. I hated the fact that I was so open and honest with it all. I gave my entire being to this.

I wanted to shrink back into myself and suffer alone.

Now, other opportunities await and ready to be found. My search has not been all that productive. Am I to stick with education or move on? Will I be happy not in education? What will I do if I get another job and a teaching position is offered to me?

The way I'm feeling and have felt is...I'm done.