Was here...Now gone

On September 26th, I took a home pregnancy test. To my amazement, it came back positive. I was floored. I couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant so fast! Of course, I couldn't hold on to that secret for very long. So I called and talked to family and friends. Looking back, I probably should have not said anything. That way I can keep my grief and heartache to myself.

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for October 20th (exactly 8 weeks or so the doctor told me). I was so excited. I was having morning sickness and I was so tired. I thought for sure this was going to be a great pregnancy.

On October 20th, we went into the sonogram room. The lady was talking and very chipper. "Is this your first pregnancy?" "Yes. I think I am going to cry." Ha! So we talked for a few minutes and she got really quiet. I knew something was wrong the moment she said, "I'm going to take a few more pictures." She was very quiet throughout the whole thing. I thought, "Oh well I guess they will tell us something soon." Never thinking at all about what the doctor was going to tell me. I was a little mad because I didn't get a picture but then when we saw the doctor I understood.

The ultrasound showed a sac but nothing else. No heartbeat. Nothing. So the doctor told us to come back in a week to see if there was any change but basically he told us that the baby had stopped growing. I was calculating 8 weeks but the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. I thought, "Hmmm...my dates could be wrong." So I tried to stay positive.

On October 27th, we went in again. I had a full week to come to terms with losing the baby. Not that I didn't want to lose it but I just figured it would be easier for me to expect the worst. We went in to the room again to take a look. The ultrasound showed nothing. I knew then that it wasn't going to happen. I waited until we were in the doctor's office before breaking down. I thought I did okay with handling the walk from the ultrasound room to the office. I thought I did okay not breaking down until I looked at my husband and said, "You know they are going to want to do a D&C." At that moment, I knew I had failed. I wasn't going to handle this. I knew I was going to break down. The doctor told us that this happens more than we know. Well, I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy. I mean, the hubby had two healthy children with the ex and I can't even have one. I thought I was the worst person in the world. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Even now, I don't know how I could have changed it.

We scheduled the D&C on October 28th. I couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. We went into the surgery center at 7:00 am. They prepped me and got me ready. I was really glad I shaved my legs. Such a random thought, but I couldn't really have all those people looking at my hairy legs. In the midst of all of this horrible, I laughed about my legs. The surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am. They came in and asked me questions. I hated answering them but they were all so nice and easy to talk to. We watched Saved By the Bell. The one where the group gets fake IDS and gets into a club. Funny how I would remember that. They came in and hooked me up to the anesthesia and off I was. While the hubby was in the waiting room, I was being taken care of. I don't know if I was in denial that day but I handled everything that day with a smile on my face and not breaking down into tears. I am pretty sure they thought I was a little crazy. So by 10:00 am October 28th, I was no longer going to be a mommy.

I am a mom to my kids. I know that. I love them and wouldn't trade them for the world, but they aren't mine. I didn't birth them. I didn't hold them or see them when they were born. I wasn't able to even do that with the one that I was pregnant with. So much anger and confusion is going on inside my head. I want to cry all the time. I feel as if I failed at something that should have been easy and fun. Never in my mind did I think I was going to say, I had a miscarriage. Never. I want to curl into a ball and cry forever. I know that the pain will eventually ease but I won't ever forget the moment that I took that test on September 26th and it was positive or the moment when the doctor said, "I'm sorry."