I'm not talking about the freedom that we celebrate in July but the one where you are able to send your kids to another home for a little bit. My Thanksgiving break began on Friday when we drove out to Denton to drop the kids off. I had been looking forward to that day for a long time. It has been since July since we haven't had both kids gone. Usually only Brendan would go every other weekend but this Friday we sent both. I felt very guilty that I was so happy to send them to their mom's but I realized that with everything that has happened, I needed some alone time with Scott. We haven't talked much lately or even sat together and watched TV. It was always revolving around the kids. I know that is what my life is: my kids. But I want to feel that safeness and love that I get when I just sit with Scott. I needed it! I craved it! So as we left I blew kisses and said good-bye. As I sit in the silence of my house, I miss them but I hope they are having fun. They deserve it. We deserve it.
I am looking forward to the week off from school. Yes, I will miss my students and children but I have the ability to only care about myself and Scott right now. I wish that the kids were with us every holiday but that isn't how it goes when the parents are divorced. Unless you were me growing up. :) My childhood was nice. I had everything my mom could possibly get for me and my brother. I am not complaining at all about the way I grew up. It was a great childhood. I realized that when I became an instant mom at the age of 19. Everything is about my children. Everything. I live, breathe, work and would even die for them. Even if they didn't come from me, I would do anything in my power to protect them.
Lately, I have been thinking about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. Would I be showing? How soon would I start counting down to finding out what we were going to have? How soon could I start planning a room, a name, anything? But I lay at night and put my hands on the emptiness of my stomach and just think about all the plans that didn't form. I know that I will be able to make them again one day but losing this baby was probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It rips through your soul and kills you a little inside. As my body is returning to normal it is a bittersweet feeling, one that I wish I didn't have to go through.
As you celebrate (or not) this upcoming holiday, remember to tell those that you love and those that are around you how much they mean to you. Things can happen in a second and you might never be able to tell them again. Live your life but love those around you! Happy Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Checking In
Hello all that read this blog. :)
Just a friendly hello. I am doing okay. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for my check up. Let's hope that everything is okay. Other than all that news...
I have spent the day at a football game watching my cheerleader, fishing/boating, doing laundry, and cleaning out a closet. I am so tired. But now, I have to begin balancing my checkbook because lo and behold, there are bills that need to be paid. :) Tomorrow, we have brunch and then another football game. After that, it is off to Denton to pick up the boy.
Thanksgiving is not coming quick enough...
Just a friendly hello. I am doing okay. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for my check up. Let's hope that everything is okay. Other than all that news...
I have spent the day at a football game watching my cheerleader, fishing/boating, doing laundry, and cleaning out a closet. I am so tired. But now, I have to begin balancing my checkbook because lo and behold, there are bills that need to be paid. :) Tomorrow, we have brunch and then another football game. After that, it is off to Denton to pick up the boy.
Thanksgiving is not coming quick enough...
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Was here...Now gone
On September 26th, I took a home pregnancy test. To my amazement, it came back positive. I was floored. I couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant so fast! Of course, I couldn't hold on to that secret for very long. So I called and talked to family and friends. Looking back, I probably should have not said anything. That way I can keep my grief and heartache to myself.
I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for October 20th (exactly 8 weeks or so the doctor told me). I was so excited. I was having morning sickness and I was so tired. I thought for sure this was going to be a great pregnancy.
On October 20th, we went into the sonogram room. The lady was talking and very chipper. "Is this your first pregnancy?" "Yes. I think I am going to cry." Ha! So we talked for a few minutes and she got really quiet. I knew something was wrong the moment she said, "I'm going to take a few more pictures." She was very quiet throughout the whole thing. I thought, "Oh well I guess they will tell us something soon." Never thinking at all about what the doctor was going to tell me. I was a little mad because I didn't get a picture but then when we saw the doctor I understood.
The ultrasound showed a sac but nothing else. No heartbeat. Nothing. So the doctor told us to come back in a week to see if there was any change but basically he told us that the baby had stopped growing. I was calculating 8 weeks but the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. I thought, "Hmmm...my dates could be wrong." So I tried to stay positive.
On October 27th, we went in again. I had a full week to come to terms with losing the baby. Not that I didn't want to lose it but I just figured it would be easier for me to expect the worst. We went in to the room again to take a look. The ultrasound showed nothing. I knew then that it wasn't going to happen. I waited until we were in the doctor's office before breaking down. I thought I did okay with handling the walk from the ultrasound room to the office. I thought I did okay not breaking down until I looked at my husband and said, "You know they are going to want to do a D&C." At that moment, I knew I had failed. I wasn't going to handle this. I knew I was going to break down. The doctor told us that this happens more than we know. Well, I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy. I mean, the hubby had two healthy children with the ex and I can't even have one. I thought I was the worst person in the world. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Even now, I don't know how I could have changed it.
We scheduled the D&C on October 28th. I couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. We went into the surgery center at 7:00 am. They prepped me and got me ready. I was really glad I shaved my legs. Such a random thought, but I couldn't really have all those people looking at my hairy legs. In the midst of all of this horrible, I laughed about my legs. The surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am. They came in and asked me questions. I hated answering them but they were all so nice and easy to talk to. We watched Saved By the Bell. The one where the group gets fake IDS and gets into a club. Funny how I would remember that. They came in and hooked me up to the anesthesia and off I was. While the hubby was in the waiting room, I was being taken care of. I don't know if I was in denial that day but I handled everything that day with a smile on my face and not breaking down into tears. I am pretty sure they thought I was a little crazy. So by 10:00 am October 28th, I was no longer going to be a mommy.
I am a mom to my kids. I know that. I love them and wouldn't trade them for the world, but they aren't mine. I didn't birth them. I didn't hold them or see them when they were born. I wasn't able to even do that with the one that I was pregnant with. So much anger and confusion is going on inside my head. I want to cry all the time. I feel as if I failed at something that should have been easy and fun. Never in my mind did I think I was going to say, I had a miscarriage. Never. I want to curl into a ball and cry forever. I know that the pain will eventually ease but I won't ever forget the moment that I took that test on September 26th and it was positive or the moment when the doctor said, "I'm sorry."
I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for October 20th (exactly 8 weeks or so the doctor told me). I was so excited. I was having morning sickness and I was so tired. I thought for sure this was going to be a great pregnancy.
On October 20th, we went into the sonogram room. The lady was talking and very chipper. "Is this your first pregnancy?" "Yes. I think I am going to cry." Ha! So we talked for a few minutes and she got really quiet. I knew something was wrong the moment she said, "I'm going to take a few more pictures." She was very quiet throughout the whole thing. I thought, "Oh well I guess they will tell us something soon." Never thinking at all about what the doctor was going to tell me. I was a little mad because I didn't get a picture but then when we saw the doctor I understood.
The ultrasound showed a sac but nothing else. No heartbeat. Nothing. So the doctor told us to come back in a week to see if there was any change but basically he told us that the baby had stopped growing. I was calculating 8 weeks but the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. I thought, "Hmmm...my dates could be wrong." So I tried to stay positive.
On October 27th, we went in again. I had a full week to come to terms with losing the baby. Not that I didn't want to lose it but I just figured it would be easier for me to expect the worst. We went in to the room again to take a look. The ultrasound showed nothing. I knew then that it wasn't going to happen. I waited until we were in the doctor's office before breaking down. I thought I did okay with handling the walk from the ultrasound room to the office. I thought I did okay not breaking down until I looked at my husband and said, "You know they are going to want to do a D&C." At that moment, I knew I had failed. I wasn't going to handle this. I knew I was going to break down. The doctor told us that this happens more than we know. Well, I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy. I mean, the hubby had two healthy children with the ex and I can't even have one. I thought I was the worst person in the world. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Even now, I don't know how I could have changed it.
We scheduled the D&C on October 28th. I couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. We went into the surgery center at 7:00 am. They prepped me and got me ready. I was really glad I shaved my legs. Such a random thought, but I couldn't really have all those people looking at my hairy legs. In the midst of all of this horrible, I laughed about my legs. The surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am. They came in and asked me questions. I hated answering them but they were all so nice and easy to talk to. We watched Saved By the Bell. The one where the group gets fake IDS and gets into a club. Funny how I would remember that. They came in and hooked me up to the anesthesia and off I was. While the hubby was in the waiting room, I was being taken care of. I don't know if I was in denial that day but I handled everything that day with a smile on my face and not breaking down into tears. I am pretty sure they thought I was a little crazy. So by 10:00 am October 28th, I was no longer going to be a mommy.
I am a mom to my kids. I know that. I love them and wouldn't trade them for the world, but they aren't mine. I didn't birth them. I didn't hold them or see them when they were born. I wasn't able to even do that with the one that I was pregnant with. So much anger and confusion is going on inside my head. I want to cry all the time. I feel as if I failed at something that should have been easy and fun. Never in my mind did I think I was going to say, I had a miscarriage. Never. I want to curl into a ball and cry forever. I know that the pain will eventually ease but I won't ever forget the moment that I took that test on September 26th and it was positive or the moment when the doctor said, "I'm sorry."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Whew!
I can't believe another school year has begun. My little boy is in 5th grade and my little girl is in 3rd grade! Where has the time gone? I have a few pictures that I took before the kids went to school. This was the first year since they started school that I didn't go with them because....I had my own class to get to for the first day of school. :) How cool is that??? So I had to say my goodbyes and hugs and kisses before I left. I got a little emotional missing their first day but I don't think they missed me too much. My boy rode the bus to school and rode the bus home. Of course, he would forget his key the first day. Good thing our neighbor was home to let him stay there until one of us could get home. But that was the only time (so far) that he has forgotten his key.
My classroom obviously doesn't look like this anymore. :) So much paperwork and more things on the walls. I am enjoying my teaching career so much!!! Sometimes I can't believe it happened! I am loving my job, the people I work with, and my students. I have waited so long for this and I am forever grateful!!!!
Labor Day weekend was relaxing and fun. First, the game on Saturday. We lost, the hospitality wasn't great, BUT the girls looked amazing. :) Sunday was a day of relaxing. We didn't do much. We did finally eat at Mooyah. The boys went hunting. They didn't get anything but I think they enjoyed the time they had together. The race from Atlanta was on and Smoke finally won!!! I couldn't believe it! I was jumping up and down for joy! You kind of forget what it is like when your drive wins! It was really great. On Labor Day, we put out our few decorations and went to the inlaws. I always have such a great time over there. Nothing to do but chill and talk. Of course, I enjoy spending time with my loving husband and wonderful family! Now, my long weekend is over and the grind starts tomorrow, which I am grateful I can say that!
Love to you all!!!!!!
My classroom obviously doesn't look like this anymore. :) So much paperwork and more things on the walls. I am enjoying my teaching career so much!!! Sometimes I can't believe it happened! I am loving my job, the people I work with, and my students. I have waited so long for this and I am forever grateful!!!!
Labor Day weekend was relaxing and fun. First, the game on Saturday. We lost, the hospitality wasn't great, BUT the girls looked amazing. :) Sunday was a day of relaxing. We didn't do much. We did finally eat at Mooyah. The boys went hunting. They didn't get anything but I think they enjoyed the time they had together. The race from Atlanta was on and Smoke finally won!!! I couldn't believe it! I was jumping up and down for joy! You kind of forget what it is like when your drive wins! It was really great. On Labor Day, we put out our few decorations and went to the inlaws. I always have such a great time over there. Nothing to do but chill and talk. Of course, I enjoy spending time with my loving husband and wonderful family! Now, my long weekend is over and the grind starts tomorrow, which I am grateful I can say that!
Love to you all!!!!!!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Wow, oh Wow!
It has been awhile since I have written. My mood is completely different now compared to the last time I wrote.
First off, Brendan decided he was going to quit football. I guess it wasn't for him. We were disappointed but we can't force him into something he doesn't want to do. He would complain ad cry so we didn't want to deal with it. But Kaylie is still in cheer and all for it. She is our personal little cheerleader. Can't wait for the season to really get going!
Second is...I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!! I am going to be a second grade teacher!!!! I never thought the day would come!!! So I have set up my class (sort of) and went to tons of garage sales. I am still looking for stuff for my room but I am so excited to have my own room. I am so ready to move on with this new part of my life. Scott is pretty happy for me too! I think everybody I have told is excited for me. I have waited awhile for this to happen. I guess I had to wait for the perfect one. I believe I will enjoy second grade.
Third, I have been Mod Podging a chest and some shelves for my classroom. Below are a few pictures of what I have done so far. I am going to be spray painting the holders for the shelves. I'm so excited that I know I am not speaking/writing correct English! :)
I am going to try to keep up better with this blog considering now I have something positive to write about. :)
First off, Brendan decided he was going to quit football. I guess it wasn't for him. We were disappointed but we can't force him into something he doesn't want to do. He would complain ad cry so we didn't want to deal with it. But Kaylie is still in cheer and all for it. She is our personal little cheerleader. Can't wait for the season to really get going!
Second is...I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!! I am going to be a second grade teacher!!!! I never thought the day would come!!! So I have set up my class (sort of) and went to tons of garage sales. I am still looking for stuff for my room but I am so excited to have my own room. I am so ready to move on with this new part of my life. Scott is pretty happy for me too! I think everybody I have told is excited for me. I have waited awhile for this to happen. I guess I had to wait for the perfect one. I believe I will enjoy second grade.
Third, I have been Mod Podging a chest and some shelves for my classroom. Below are a few pictures of what I have done so far. I am going to be spray painting the holders for the shelves. I'm so excited that I know I am not speaking/writing correct English! :)
I am going to try to keep up better with this blog considering now I have something positive to write about. :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Rambling
When I look back at my life and the choices I made, I wouldn't change them at all. Some choices hurt, some were happy ones, some showed me the truth and some were lies. I didn't realize it then but those choices made me who I am today.
You would think me being twenty-six would allow my choices to be easier to make. Well, that is not the case.
When I started college, I knew all I ever wanted to do was work with children in education. I was full of hopes and dreams that were soon and inevitably crushed. I am usually not a strong person but I was very strong the day in which I was told, "No, sorry." That is, I was strong until I left that office. When I got up and walked out, I looked around. Everything was fake. What I had been working on so long looked like a vicious lie.
I wasn't good enough. Not enough experience. Unbelievable beat downs from myself. Questions started forming. What could have been different? What did I say or do wrong? Was I too open, too emotional? Then the biggest and toughest questions: Am I made for this? Am I really supposed to be a teacher?
My heart couldn't take anymore questions, sympathy, anger, disappointment, and hurt. I set out to accomplish something and failed, miserably. I have not thought about that day recently. I'm writing this in my frustration with life. I appreciated all the advice and sympathy, even though I probably didn't show it. I hated the fact that I was so open and honest with it all. I gave my entire being to this.
I wanted to shrink back into myself and suffer alone.
Now, other opportunities await and ready to be found. My search has not been all that productive. Am I to stick with education or move on? Will I be happy not in education? What will I do if I get another job and a teaching position is offered to me?
The way I'm feeling and have felt is...I'm done.
You would think me being twenty-six would allow my choices to be easier to make. Well, that is not the case.
When I started college, I knew all I ever wanted to do was work with children in education. I was full of hopes and dreams that were soon and inevitably crushed. I am usually not a strong person but I was very strong the day in which I was told, "No, sorry." That is, I was strong until I left that office. When I got up and walked out, I looked around. Everything was fake. What I had been working on so long looked like a vicious lie.
I wasn't good enough. Not enough experience. Unbelievable beat downs from myself. Questions started forming. What could have been different? What did I say or do wrong? Was I too open, too emotional? Then the biggest and toughest questions: Am I made for this? Am I really supposed to be a teacher?
My heart couldn't take anymore questions, sympathy, anger, disappointment, and hurt. I set out to accomplish something and failed, miserably. I have not thought about that day recently. I'm writing this in my frustration with life. I appreciated all the advice and sympathy, even though I probably didn't show it. I hated the fact that I was so open and honest with it all. I gave my entire being to this.
I wanted to shrink back into myself and suffer alone.
Now, other opportunities await and ready to be found. My search has not been all that productive. Am I to stick with education or move on? Will I be happy not in education? What will I do if I get another job and a teaching position is offered to me?
The way I'm feeling and have felt is...I'm done.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
4th of July Weekend
July 3, 2010
For the first time in many years, Scott and I decided to go to my dad's for the holiday. We went on the 3rd because we had plans for the 4th. We stopped to get fireworks before getting to my dad's house. Whew! The anticipation! So we drive the road to my dad's and pull up to see my dad cleaning his pool. My uncle was there too. We waited around for my step-mom, sister, and aunt to show up. It took them 3 hours to go to the store and back. The woman can shop! We were supposed to wait until dark to do the fireworks but I couldn't wait! I also wanted to get back home in time to see the fireworks from the high school. So after it rained (yes, rain) and after we ate, we lit the fireworks. The kids swam a little and watched. It wasn't dark enough but it was fun. It was nice joining my side for the holiday. We don't do it as much as we should. Oh well! By the way, we missed out on the fireworks from the high school but we found a dog for my mom-in-law. So overall, that day was great.
Uncle Glen and my kiddos
Rain Clouds that appeared out of nowhere!
Dad cleaning the pool
July 4, 2010
I didn't get any pictures on this day. I think we were all over the place and not really in a picture mode. We went to Scott's parents' house for the 4th. We had a cookout and I tried to swim. The kids had no problem getting in. On the other hand, even with liquid encouragement, I wouldn't get more than my legs in the pool. It was way too cold. We ate hamburgers and ribs and potatoes. Also, squash casserole and salad and all that other stuff. It was a nice and relaxing day. We enjoyed the moments with our family.
For the first time in many years, Scott and I decided to go to my dad's for the holiday. We went on the 3rd because we had plans for the 4th. We stopped to get fireworks before getting to my dad's house. Whew! The anticipation! So we drive the road to my dad's and pull up to see my dad cleaning his pool. My uncle was there too. We waited around for my step-mom, sister, and aunt to show up. It took them 3 hours to go to the store and back. The woman can shop! We were supposed to wait until dark to do the fireworks but I couldn't wait! I also wanted to get back home in time to see the fireworks from the high school. So after it rained (yes, rain) and after we ate, we lit the fireworks. The kids swam a little and watched. It wasn't dark enough but it was fun. It was nice joining my side for the holiday. We don't do it as much as we should. Oh well! By the way, we missed out on the fireworks from the high school but we found a dog for my mom-in-law. So overall, that day was great.
Uncle Glen and my kiddos
Rain Clouds that appeared out of nowhere!
Dad cleaning the pool
July 4, 2010
I didn't get any pictures on this day. I think we were all over the place and not really in a picture mode. We went to Scott's parents' house for the 4th. We had a cookout and I tried to swim. The kids had no problem getting in. On the other hand, even with liquid encouragement, I wouldn't get more than my legs in the pool. It was way too cold. We ate hamburgers and ribs and potatoes. Also, squash casserole and salad and all that other stuff. It was a nice and relaxing day. We enjoyed the moments with our family.
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