Scared

My life has had so many ups and downs that it is so hard for me to really think positive.  Since my miscarriage, I have had many thoughts and some of them were not positive ones.  Mostly it was thoughts of what could have been and what should have been.  Basically I was mad at myself.  I kept thinking about what I did and what I could have done differently.  Of course, there was nothing that I could have done.  What happened is what happened.  Nothing could have changed the outcome but dang it if I don't wish that wasn't the ending.  :(  So anyway...I'm scared.  I'm scared to even try again.  I am so fearful that I will take the test and it be positive and then in a few weeks the doctor say oh wait nevermind.  I am so scared.  I haven't been this scared in a long time.  I wish I didn't have to feel that way.  Oh well.  Well, times will change and I am sure that my feelings will change also.  I have to try to think positive and realize that this time might be different when the time comes.